Beta beta whose got my beta?

PG mentioned
What a WEEK! I cannot believe the excitement and stress I have felt this week. So let me recap. Monday morning I got my BFP. I retested in the afternoon and finally called RE. I was able to get in for my first beta draw Monday afternoon. I didn't get the results back until Tuesday at 3:00pm! I have decided that this is the time my RE's office decides to return phone calls. I was so happy that the number seemed strong to me and everything I had read.

Then came wednesday. I waited patiently until 10:30 to go to the lab. My insurance pays 100% if I use a Labcorp lab for any/all labwork. The lab takes the blood and I beg the woman at the counter to see if they can get the test completed and results sent to docs asap. She tells me standard waiting time is 2-3 days! I said look lady the first test I had back within 1 day. Took test monday had results tuesday! She said oh ok well then it will take that long. Be@tch! Whatever fine! So I waited all day yesterday. I waited all day today. I am trying to learn patiece because my hubby says I have none. Also I didn't want to be a PITA to my docs office.

I made the decision that I would call if I had not heard from the docs office by 3:30. Nurse got on the phone and said we still don't have your results, I'll call the lab. Sure enough the lab spelled my name incorrectly and that's why I didn't get my result until now! My number was 211.

I scheduled my u/s for 12/28 to confirm sac placement and how many are in there. I can't tell you what a relief it is to have that number. Not sure why I put so much stock in it, but it makes me feel like this pg may be different. Not sure why, but that's how I feel.

Now I just need to make it through the holidays with as few people as possible finding out. Dh and I are really trying to keep this under wraps until were in a safe zone- so to speak! For now I am going to tell people we are still working on it, when they ask how things are going and if we have any news.

Proof Positive

PG mentioned

The title really should say it all! I woke up this morning and POAS and whalla~ two lines!!!!! AAAAAAAaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!! I couldn't believe that it was real. I had to go facilitate a training class this morning when all I really wanted to do was spend the morning POASing. The line this morning was so faint, but definitely there. Its not like I needed to squint to see it, but it was faint. I started to get nervous that maybe it was a false positive. It's been so long since we have been trying that I can't believe after 1 IUI we get a positive result.

I am more scared now than I was before I took the test. Please let this one be real (previous pg was a blighted ovum). Please let it be viable and become the baby I have been dreaming about for so long.

After I got home from my training class I decided that I needed some more proof that I was in fact becoming a human oven, and ran off to T@rget. I picked up a digital test since the one I used this morning was just lines. I came home and relaxed for 20 minutes thinking, "Need to pee, need to pee, need to pee" FINALLY! I was ready to go and that beautiful PREGNANT appeared within 45 seconds. No waiting 3 minutes for me!!!! I can't believe it again. I cried this time when that wonderful word stared silently back at me.

I have called the doc and waiting for a call back to schedule my beta test. DH is very excited too, although he does not show his emotions quite like I do. Now I will need to find a way to not tell anyone for weeks!!! Not sure how I am going to be able to do that!

Patience is a Virtue

Tomorrow is it. Tomorrow morning I will not hit the snooze button on my alarm clock. I will not lay there and think 5 more minutes. I will not groggily get out of bed and make my way to the bathroom. Tomorrow I will be popping my eyes wide open and nervously run to the bathroom for the first HPT attempt. I will pee on that stick and sit there and wait minutes that will seem like an hour. I will have courage and be brave as I look at that all important window where the second line is going to be (God willing!)!

There is a part of me that is so scared its negative. At least I know that since we did IUI, things happened at the right time and swimmers were where they needed to be at the right moment. All I can do is hope that one made it in and is nestling in for a nice long time. We've done all we can to make this work.

If it's negative I may wait another day since tomorrow is only 12dpiui. I will post again at some point tomorrow to let you all know the outcome.

I Am Not That Woman

Ok so this week I had to go to L.A. for a work conference. It's only an hour and 20 minutes from Phoenix, so the flight is over real fast. I got off the plane and ran to the ladies room for a couple reasons. The obvious first, and then I had been lazy and tired and hadn't applied any makeup before leaving PHX.

My idea of makeup includes coverup and eyeliner with chapstick. Period. As I walk up to the mirror that is for the "Primping" I notice there is a woman who has obviously prepared for the long haul at this station! Her bag is spewed about and she is fluffing hair, turning to check her relfection, and toucing up makeup. It took me about 3 minutes to apply my cover up, eyeliner, and chapstick after digging in my bag. She was no where near complete with her barrage of tasks that all go to better asthetics. As I was exiting the restroom I thought to myself I am not that woman. I missed the class in high school where they teach you about spending an hour in the shower and how to make your makeup look like a supermodel. This will never be me! LOL

On IF related business, since it has been a little over a week from my IUI. I am currently 8dpiui and just started having sore bb's. I am not sure if this is related to the progesterone supp. I have been taking, but I would have thought they would have arrived sooner if they were from that. I have been taking the supp. for a week now. It could of course also be AF deciding to send advance warning.

My Money's On the Mexican

This morning was my first IUI. I didn't sleep well last night at all. I am my mothers daughter. When big things are going on my brain just won't stop. Before I knew it, it was 12:30 am and I was still in the living room watching tv. I went to bed and was up at 2:30, 3:35, and 4:30 to feed cats, and got up at 5:15. My thoughts just overwhelm me sometimes. I just kept thinking what if something gets screwed up, what if dh can't do it... etc. My worries were for nothing. (If you can't tell from this and my other blogs I sometimes over-analyze and worry about things that are beyond my control).

DH went in at 8:00 this morning. He was much happier this time putting soldiers in the cup since last time at a clinic it was just a bathroom. No mags, videos, nada. This time much different. He was done and back at home with enough time to make a burrito before we had to go for me.

I have been having light cramping on both sides since last night. We got to docs office a little early and I thought we would have to wait a long time, but they were ready for us. After verifying dh swimmers and going through his results (46 million post wash, with either 56 or 84 motility, we couldn't read the paper clearly) we were ready to go. Undress from the waist down is a phrase I am begining to hear more often than hello! LOL! Doc came back in and within 4 minutes the whole thing was done. I was amazed that it was so fast. I was also amazed about the size of dh sample. The amount they used looked like 1/2 teaspoon. I was more amused by that than the procedure itself!

So after doc finished they had me lay on the table for 10 minutes. DH and I were talking about his sample (I told you I was amused by it!) and of course the comment from the doc about it being a good sample made dh's day. All of a sudden out of his mouth pops," My money's on the mexican." I looked at him like, "Baby your mexican sooo therefore..." and he was like "I know that's why my money's on them." I started laughing and giggling. If nothing else my dh is so good for making me relax.

(TMI) Since this morning I have been at home on the couch and in bed. I have had annoying cramping pretty much all day. I had a small amount of blood on some tp earlier but I am assuming that it just from the doc manipulating the cervix. I will probably work from home tomorrow also just to take it easy.

I start progesterone suppositories (lucky me!) on friday to take for 14 days. Once I get a BFP then I will go back in for confirming blood work. Until then I am in the dreaded 2ww I have been reading about. Hard to believe I am here and going through this!

Round 1- Prepare for Battle

My very first IUI is scheduled for wednesday 12/2. I was in the office today for an u/s to check on my follies. After doing 5 days of clomid, holy hot flashes, I am happy to report 2 mature follicles. Both were 18 in size and the doc thinks we have a pretty good shot. I was given my own ammunition, Ovidrel, for my trigger tonight at 10:15.

I have to say I am slightly nervous about giving myself a shot. In my mind I am thinking these are things that trained medical professionals should be doing. My mom said, "Well have dh do it." This is not better, he is also not a trained medical professional. I think I am just hesitant because I am finally here doing things I have read about in books, and thought I prepared for. Somehow injecting myself with a needle and then getting injected with dh lil soldiers is not the romantic ideal of having a baby that I thought would be my life. I know this is where we are and that this is the best option for us. I am just really trying to keep my hopes in check. I don't want to have high hopes and then have to go through this forever.

On another note, I was talking to my sister tonight and she was like, "What if they mix up dh swimmers and you end up with another persons baby?" I was like,"why would you say that?" Now I am going to have dreams about getting the semen mixed up. Hopefully this does not happen and I have dh baby like I am supposed too. LOL!

We are T-minus 2 hours till shot time and I think I am more nervous about the shot than I am for the actual procedure. I am happy though that dh has talked to his work and they were totally understanding about all this and gave him wednesday off. He was just going to go in for his collection and then I would have had to go by myself. At least now he will be with me when this whole science experiment happens.

I know this all sounds negative and I asure you that I am grateful that there is nothing major wrong with us. I am just nervous about the whole thing. This is my nerves talking and I can tell because I am rambling....LOL

I am preparing for battle!

Day 3

Testing started today. I had another FSH blooddraw and a vaginal u/s. My doctor kind of made me laugh as he is talking about how it may be uncomfortable, and so on... Little does he know I have probably had more than my share of vaginal u/s. I think I had 6 of them when I was pg the first time round. I am a pro at these.

He checked both of my ovaries for follies and only found 4-5 on each. He said that in some one my age (I am 29) they would like to see about 7-10.  Whatever.

I start Clomid on monday for the Clomid Challenge Test. Can I just say whatever doc came up with that name, must have an interesting sense of humor. A challenge tells my brain we are in a contest. I also feel like since it's obvious that I have no control over what my ovaries are doing (or not doing) I feel like I should definitely be betting on the other guy. LOL!

What is more funny to me is that I have read a few books on infertility, and all of them talk about how you live at your docs. So today I got handed my schedule for the next 2 weeks. I was not asked what time worked for me, LOL, if morning or afternoon was better, just like as if I worked there, "Here's your schedule for the next 12 days." I completely understand why they do this, I just think it's funny. So after getting home, I realize that I have a work conference scheduled in CA one of the days that I am supposed to appear for an US at 10:15am. I am currently trying to figure out how to get myself rescheduled for work. What joy!

I am happy that things are progressing at a very nice pace for me, and the doc said as long as tubes are open (hsg is scheduled for wednesday 25th) and I respond to Clomid, (US for that is 11/30)my first round of IUI could happen as early as 12/2. WOW 12/2! That's only 11 days from now! It seems like I have waited forever for the moment of conception and it's entirely possible it could be in less than 2 weeks. I know getting ahead of myself. Can't help hoping

Day 1 for more than one reason

Alright. So she arrived. Aunt Flo that is... As usual on the exact day I was ready for her. Funny isn't it that I can calculate exactly when she will arrive, have my cycle down to a science, but can't produce the desired outcome. Hm....

It's frustrating to not be able to make my body do something I want it to. Especially when anything else I want my body to do, can be done. Lose 30 pounds~ put your mind to it, eat better, exercise. Learn more~ go back to school get a degree. Run a 5k~ train for 4 weeks and done. Get pregnant~ Mate like rabbits for years unprotected and nothing.

I do have to say though, this is the first time in years that Aunt Flo's arrival is not accompanied by a flood of emotional tears and anger. I think it's because we finally have a plan, and now I will get to start taking all the fun tests our RE talked about. We can move forward and at this point, where we have been standing for the last 2 years has become pretty stagnant. I have called RE's office and they are calling me back with the schedule of events for all my testing. Waiting....

So here's to CD1!!! First time in years I could even be happy about it. Today I have lots of reasons to be happy/ optimistic.

1. Starting Testing
2. She still arrives on time.(Aunt Flo that is)
3. Faster testing gets done, faster IUI happens and faster I become the equivalent of an oven.
4. It reaffirms we have made the right decision to seek help for our challenges.

I am happy today.

The War Room

Today was the first meeting with our RE. To protect the names of the innocent we will call him Dr.P. Both DH and I really liked him. He seemed calm and started walking us through where we were at and where we should start going. Here is the breakdown...

1st he wants me to have the hsg test (which I figured he would) however he made me a slight bit nervous when he explained that women who have had chlamydia have a higher than normal chance of having tube damage. Unfortunately I had an @sshole of a boyfriend in highschool that gave me the dreaded thing. Cue first round of crying.

2nd he is concerned that from my prolonged habit of smoking (I have been quit since 2/09 COLD TURKEY!) I may have a depleted number of eggs. Cue second round of crying.

I know I make it sound as though my doc was Mr. Doomsday, but he wasn't. These were the areas my over-analytical brain latched onto.

DH of course was thrilled that his SA that he did 8 mos ago will count for now and he will not have to go to the fun lil room again.

We are going to move forward towards IUI and my doc is hoping that either this month, if we can get all tests done, or next month will be the first round. I am feeling a little nervous, for lots of reasons.

First and foremost, how do you deal with everything if the problem is with you? What if I caused these problems? Both issues that doc thinks may be (calm down Arice- need to take tests first) wrong would be things that I could have avoided.

What if I am the reason that dh may never be a father of his own kids? Will he resent me? I talked with him. We have the BEST communication. He says no, and I know he loves me, but what if it is me? I know, spotlight the self-loathing girl! Here I am ready for my close-up!

The other thing I have decided, is that fertility docs should set up booths at like Home Shows, or Womens Expos. Here is my reason behind this. After meeting with Dr.P and going over our situation. His initial guestimate about our current chances of,"Spontaneous Conception" is about 0-4% per month. 0-4%! If I had known that a year ago, I would have come to the Dr much sooner. Why is it that we don't know these things? Now I could have saved myself countless dollars on Kleenex (I actually use Puffs Plus with Aloe), feeling like a failure every month, and my hubby would only think I was partially crazy instead of certifiable. I was so ready to let Mother Nature have her due courses, but whoooaaa was I off base. Apparently not going to happen for me.

Now I will sit and wait for Aunt Flo to arrive with all the baggage she travels with (emotional ya know). When she finally arrives, because she will arrive, I will get to make a call to schedule my hsg. A test I am thoroughly scared about thanks to a friend telling me about hers.


Hopefully my tubes are not blocked and I will have only wasted some more PPwA (aka Puffs Plus w. Aloe). Hopefully my egg count is stellar. Then hopefully we can move forward towards IUI. Hopefully they will get dh lil soldiers to the battlefield and WE WILL WIN THIS WAR!

Infertility I am calling you to the mat! Enjoy your time in control for the moment. I am coming at you and I am bringing the big guns.

Next post: Aunt Flo's Arrival (Coming soon to a uterus near you)

The Begining

This is my story and how I ended up sitting in an RE's office.  I think its important for non-ttc people to read what IF people go through.  Not that every couple that struggles with IF goes through this, but its to show that this road isn't easy. 

**Let me preface this post by stating there are some TMI moments in here as well as stories about miscarriages.***

The whole "first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage" is the only thing I have done "correct"  There are many areas which I have made wrong turns through life, but having a family is the only area that I never faltered on. Sometimes I think that maybe that's my problem.

We started ttc right after we got married. We got married 10/22/05. In April of 2006 I got pregnant. (This is the first time I have wrote this story out so bare with me). We got our first BFP on Mother's day. What a perfect day it was! I called my mom and she announced it to my whole family. We were ecstatic.

I had no idea what doctor to use, so I called a friend and she gave me the name of her OB/GYN. I called made an appointment and 4 days later we had our first ultrasound and saw that tiny heart beat. I was unaware of how profound that moment would be. My dh and I were so excited. I got baby books, my mom sent maternity clothes, we started looking at what colors to paint the nursery etc.

Then I started to bleed. We went to the ER and they said that I was still pg and that everything was ok for the moment. I was told I had a subchorionic hemmorage. (TMI coming)When I went home that night I bled quarter sized clots. I was sure I was miscarrying. I cried and called my mom and we cried together. And then I tried to move on. I was supposed to go to Colorado for work the 23-25 of May. I decided to go, what else was I going to do sit at home and cry? I went. While I was there, I ended up getting a fever and almost fainted. I was brought back to my hotel where I promptly threw up. I went to the ER and after telling the Dr about my miscarriage he imformed me, " I can't be sure but I think you may still be pg." I thought to myself, "What kind of crackpot Drs do they hire at this hospital?" I went home the next day.

Once at home friday I had scheduled an US for my thyroid. I wasn't going to go to it, even though OB/GYN had requested it. I decided to go and see if I could find out if I was still pg thanks to crazy doc. (PS- still bleeding this entire time) I made the US tech feel sorry me and she gave me a pelvic US. Low and behold.... a heartbeat. I lost it. I was so relieved. and scared. I was still bleeding. Any second could be the last second.

I went back to my OB/GYN and he was amazed. I was still (TMI again) bleeding silver dollar sized clots on a regular basis. I could go through a heavy duty maxi in 20 minutes. (Should have had stock in Always!) He told me to take it easy and just maintain.

Meanwhile in other areas of life my dh and I were moving into our first house. Packing, moving, lifting, all these things I could no longer do. I was in the ER another time because of abdominal pain. Heartbeat still there and in fact I got to have a colored US and could see the blood flowing to and from. My dr decided to put me on bedrest. (still bleeding) This is now the first week in June. We were moving saturday. House isn't packed, couldn't do anything.

Our friends and family, bless them, moved our entire house. I watched from the couch. I was so afraid to even move off the couch. Mind you I am only 10 weeks along on that friday. I had called my mom and cried that I wouldn't even be able to unpack my house once we got there. I wasn't working, my hubby was gone all day. I was on bedrest. I had friends coming over to "babysit" me. My mom agreed to fly from Minnesota to Phoenix to come unpack my house.

She stayed for about a week. She couldn't believe how much I was still bleeding. She would have to help my from the bathroom to my bed because the abdominal pain was so bad. On top of it, I had major morning sickness every hour of the day. That made the bleeding worse. And the cramping.

She unpacked my entire house. Clothes, dishes, bathrooms, kitchen, everything. She made dinner for dh and I every night while I laid there contemplating that I would be there for more than 6 more months. Sadly this would not happen.

On June 21 I had bad cramping, and major pains. I had a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch. I remember sleeping most of that day. At 2:00 am I woke up to pee. As I laid back down in bed, my whole world shifted. It's the only way I can describe the feeling. I felt everypiece of my body shift to the right. I miscarried that night. I spent the rest of the night/day in the hospital.

My OB/GYN was wonderful. He came to see us and to have me released. He said something that at the time I was almost apalled but now have come to cling to. He said,"At least you know you can get pg" I didn't realize how important those words would be.

It took a really long time to get over that. I will never forget 6/22/06. I can talk about it now, but there are still times I look at the US photos and think about it. I can't get rid of them.

My next "fun" experience came 9 months later. I found out I was pg again. What was amusing about this was that based on how far along I was when I found out BFP, we had gotten pg about the same time as the year before. There were jokes that my only fertile time was over Easter. LOL. Not thinking that anything would be wrong, I went to my OB appt by myself. (dh wanted to but had just started a new job).

Sure enough BFP, send her off to the ultrasound tech (aka the Devil). I was the very last US of the day. The tech brings me in there and this cold hearted bleep, does her thing and says, "I see the sack, but no HB and you should have one. See your doc about scheduling a D&C, you can clean yourself off now." I couldn't believe what she was saying. I asked her to repeat that, and she said the same thing. No baby get a d&c. My doc was already gone for the day.

Not sure how I drove home. DH came home and found me in puddles of my tears on the couch. I went to the doc the next day. He said there would be no d&c unless I wanted one and only after we waited another 2 weeks to verify for sure that there was no HB. 2WW went by and no HB =( He told me my hormone levels were still doubling and that my body hadn't realized I wasn't actually pg. I scheduled the D&C on friday may 25th (memorial day weekend). I told my doc to make sure and test the tissue for dna. I just wouldn't be able to live with myself if...... He came back after and confirmed no dna. Relief.

That was more than 2 years ago. Not even a maybe has come. DH and I had basic ft tests done in early 2009. We both come back fine. I did a round of unmonitored Femara, and stopped. I needed some ME time. Get my sanity back.

And now we are up to the end of 2009. Since I originally started trying, everyone I know has become pg. It's hard. I have given mother nature her shot. She has had 4 years to make this happen. Now we are giving science some chances.