My very first IUI is scheduled for wednesday 12/2. I was in the office today for an u/s to check on my follies. After doing 5 days of clomid, holy hot flashes, I am happy to report 2 mature follicles. Both were 18 in size and the doc thinks we have a pretty good shot. I was given my own ammunition, Ovidrel, for my trigger tonight at 10:15.
I have to say I am slightly nervous about giving myself a shot. In my mind I am thinking these are things that trained medical professionals should be doing. My mom said, "Well have dh do it." This is not better, he is also not a trained medical professional. I think I am just hesitant because I am finally here doing things I have read about in books, and thought I prepared for. Somehow injecting myself with a needle and then getting injected with dh lil soldiers is not the romantic ideal of having a baby that I thought would be my life. I know this is where we are and that this is the best option for us. I am just really trying to keep my hopes in check. I don't want to have high hopes and then have to go through this forever.
On another note, I was talking to my sister tonight and she was like, "What if they mix up dh swimmers and you end up with another persons baby?" I was like,"why would you say that?" Now I am going to have dreams about getting the semen mixed up. Hopefully this does not happen and I have dh baby like I am supposed too. LOL!
We are T-minus 2 hours till shot time and I think I am more nervous about the shot than I am for the actual procedure. I am happy though that dh has talked to his work and they were totally understanding about all this and gave him wednesday off. He was just going to go in for his collection and then I would have had to go by myself. At least now he will be with me when this whole science experiment happens.
I know this all sounds negative and I asure you that I am grateful that there is nothing major wrong with us. I am just nervous about the whole thing. This is my nerves talking and I can tell because I am rambling....LOL
I am preparing for battle!
Monday, November 30, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Day 3
Testing started today. I had another FSH blooddraw and a vaginal u/s. My doctor kind of made me laugh as he is talking about how it may be uncomfortable, and so on... Little does he know I have probably had more than my share of vaginal u/s. I think I had 6 of them when I was pg the first time round. I am a pro at these.
He checked both of my ovaries for follies and only found 4-5 on each. He said that in some one my age (I am 29) they would like to see about 7-10. Whatever.
I start Clomid on monday for the Clomid Challenge Test. Can I just say whatever doc came up with that name, must have an interesting sense of humor. A challenge tells my brain we are in a contest. I also feel like since it's obvious that I have no control over what my ovaries are doing (or not doing) I feel like I should definitely be betting on the other guy. LOL!
What is more funny to me is that I have read a few books on infertility, and all of them talk about how you live at your docs. So today I got handed my schedule for the next 2 weeks. I was not asked what time worked for me, LOL, if morning or afternoon was better, just like as if I worked there, "Here's your schedule for the next 12 days." I completely understand why they do this, I just think it's funny. So after getting home, I realize that I have a work conference scheduled in CA one of the days that I am supposed to appear for an US at 10:15am. I am currently trying to figure out how to get myself rescheduled for work. What joy!
I am happy that things are progressing at a very nice pace for me, and the doc said as long as tubes are open (hsg is scheduled for wednesday 25th) and I respond to Clomid, (US for that is 11/30)my first round of IUI could happen as early as 12/2. WOW 12/2! That's only 11 days from now! It seems like I have waited forever for the moment of conception and it's entirely possible it could be in less than 2 weeks. I know getting ahead of myself. Can't help hoping
He checked both of my ovaries for follies and only found 4-5 on each. He said that in some one my age (I am 29) they would like to see about 7-10. Whatever.
I start Clomid on monday for the Clomid Challenge Test. Can I just say whatever doc came up with that name, must have an interesting sense of humor. A challenge tells my brain we are in a contest. I also feel like since it's obvious that I have no control over what my ovaries are doing (or not doing) I feel like I should definitely be betting on the other guy. LOL!
What is more funny to me is that I have read a few books on infertility, and all of them talk about how you live at your docs. So today I got handed my schedule for the next 2 weeks. I was not asked what time worked for me, LOL, if morning or afternoon was better, just like as if I worked there, "Here's your schedule for the next 12 days." I completely understand why they do this, I just think it's funny. So after getting home, I realize that I have a work conference scheduled in CA one of the days that I am supposed to appear for an US at 10:15am. I am currently trying to figure out how to get myself rescheduled for work. What joy!
I am happy that things are progressing at a very nice pace for me, and the doc said as long as tubes are open (hsg is scheduled for wednesday 25th) and I respond to Clomid, (US for that is 11/30)my first round of IUI could happen as early as 12/2. WOW 12/2! That's only 11 days from now! It seems like I have waited forever for the moment of conception and it's entirely possible it could be in less than 2 weeks. I know getting ahead of myself. Can't help hoping
Thursday, November 19, 2009
Day 1 for more than one reason
Alright. So she arrived. Aunt Flo that is... As usual on the exact day I was ready for her. Funny isn't it that I can calculate exactly when she will arrive, have my cycle down to a science, but can't produce the desired outcome. Hm....
It's frustrating to not be able to make my body do something I want it to. Especially when anything else I want my body to do, can be done. Lose 30 pounds~ put your mind to it, eat better, exercise. Learn more~ go back to school get a degree. Run a 5k~ train for 4 weeks and done. Get pregnant~ Mate like rabbits for years unprotected and nothing.
I do have to say though, this is the first time in years that Aunt Flo's arrival is not accompanied by a flood of emotional tears and anger. I think it's because we finally have a plan, and now I will get to start taking all the fun tests our RE talked about. We can move forward and at this point, where we have been standing for the last 2 years has become pretty stagnant. I have called RE's office and they are calling me back with the schedule of events for all my testing. Waiting....
So here's to CD1!!! First time in years I could even be happy about it. Today I have lots of reasons to be happy/ optimistic.
1. Starting Testing
2. She still arrives on time.(Aunt Flo that is)
3. Faster testing gets done, faster IUI happens and faster I become the equivalent of an oven.
4. It reaffirms we have made the right decision to seek help for our challenges.
I am happy today.
The War Room
Today was the first meeting with our RE. To protect the names of the innocent we will call him Dr.P. Both DH and I really liked him. He seemed calm and started walking us through where we were at and where we should start going. Here is the breakdown...
1st he wants me to have the hsg test (which I figured he would) however he made me a slight bit nervous when he explained that women who have had chlamydia have a higher than normal chance of having tube damage. Unfortunately I had an @sshole of a boyfriend in highschool that gave me the dreaded thing. Cue first round of crying.
2nd he is concerned that from my prolonged habit of smoking (I have been quit since 2/09 COLD TURKEY!) I may have a depleted number of eggs. Cue second round of crying.
I know I make it sound as though my doc was Mr. Doomsday, but he wasn't. These were the areas my over-analytical brain latched onto.
DH of course was thrilled that his SA that he did 8 mos ago will count for now and he will not have to go to the fun lil room again.
We are going to move forward towards IUI and my doc is hoping that either this month, if we can get all tests done, or next month will be the first round. I am feeling a little nervous, for lots of reasons.
First and foremost, how do you deal with everything if the problem is with you? What if I caused these problems? Both issues that doc thinks may be (calm down Arice- need to take tests first) wrong would be things that I could have avoided.
What if I am the reason that dh may never be a father of his own kids? Will he resent me? I talked with him. We have the BEST communication. He says no, and I know he loves me, but what if it is me? I know, spotlight the self-loathing girl! Here I am ready for my close-up!
The other thing I have decided, is that fertility docs should set up booths at like Home Shows, or Womens Expos. Here is my reason behind this. After meeting with Dr.P and going over our situation. His initial guestimate about our current chances of,"Spontaneous Conception" is about 0-4% per month. 0-4%! If I had known that a year ago, I would have come to the Dr much sooner. Why is it that we don't know these things? Now I could have saved myself countless dollars on Kleenex (I actually use Puffs Plus with Aloe), feeling like a failure every month, and my hubby would only think I was partially crazy instead of certifiable. I was so ready to let Mother Nature have her due courses, but whoooaaa was I off base. Apparently not going to happen for me.
Now I will sit and wait for Aunt Flo to arrive with all the baggage she travels with (emotional ya know). When she finally arrives, because she will arrive, I will get to make a call to schedule my hsg. A test I am thoroughly scared about thanks to a friend telling me about hers.
Hopefully my tubes are not blocked and I will have only wasted some more PPwA (aka Puffs Plus w. Aloe). Hopefully my egg count is stellar. Then hopefully we can move forward towards IUI. Hopefully they will get dh lil soldiers to the battlefield and WE WILL WIN THIS WAR!
Infertility I am calling you to the mat! Enjoy your time in control for the moment. I am coming at you and I am bringing the big guns.
Next post: Aunt Flo's Arrival (Coming soon to a uterus near you)
Thursday, November 12, 2009
The Begining
This is my story and how I ended up sitting in an RE's office. I think its important for non-ttc people to read what IF people go through. Not that every couple that struggles with IF goes through this, but its to show that this road isn't easy.
**Let me preface this post by stating there are some TMI moments in here as well as stories about miscarriages.***
The whole "first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage" is the only thing I have done "correct" There are many areas which I have made wrong turns through life, but having a family is the only area that I never faltered on. Sometimes I think that maybe that's my problem.
We started ttc right after we got married. We got married 10/22/05. In April of 2006 I got pregnant. (This is the first time I have wrote this story out so bare with me). We got our first BFP on Mother's day. What a perfect day it was! I called my mom and she announced it to my whole family. We were ecstatic.
I had no idea what doctor to use, so I called a friend and she gave me the name of her OB/GYN. I called made an appointment and 4 days later we had our first ultrasound and saw that tiny heart beat. I was unaware of how profound that moment would be. My dh and I were so excited. I got baby books, my mom sent maternity clothes, we started looking at what colors to paint the nursery etc.
Then I started to bleed. We went to the ER and they said that I was still pg and that everything was ok for the moment. I was told I had a subchorionic hemmorage. (TMI coming)When I went home that night I bled quarter sized clots. I was sure I was miscarrying. I cried and called my mom and we cried together. And then I tried to move on. I was supposed to go to Colorado for work the 23-25 of May. I decided to go, what else was I going to do sit at home and cry? I went. While I was there, I ended up getting a fever and almost fainted. I was brought back to my hotel where I promptly threw up. I went to the ER and after telling the Dr about my miscarriage he imformed me, " I can't be sure but I think you may still be pg." I thought to myself, "What kind of crackpot Drs do they hire at this hospital?" I went home the next day.
Once at home friday I had scheduled an US for my thyroid. I wasn't going to go to it, even though OB/GYN had requested it. I decided to go and see if I could find out if I was still pg thanks to crazy doc. (PS- still bleeding this entire time) I made the US tech feel sorry me and she gave me a pelvic US. Low and behold.... a heartbeat. I lost it. I was so relieved. and scared. I was still bleeding. Any second could be the last second.
I went back to my OB/GYN and he was amazed. I was still (TMI again) bleeding silver dollar sized clots on a regular basis. I could go through a heavy duty maxi in 20 minutes. (Should have had stock in Always!) He told me to take it easy and just maintain.
Meanwhile in other areas of life my dh and I were moving into our first house. Packing, moving, lifting, all these things I could no longer do. I was in the ER another time because of abdominal pain. Heartbeat still there and in fact I got to have a colored US and could see the blood flowing to and from. My dr decided to put me on bedrest. (still bleeding) This is now the first week in June. We were moving saturday. House isn't packed, couldn't do anything.
Our friends and family, bless them, moved our entire house. I watched from the couch. I was so afraid to even move off the couch. Mind you I am only 10 weeks along on that friday. I had called my mom and cried that I wouldn't even be able to unpack my house once we got there. I wasn't working, my hubby was gone all day. I was on bedrest. I had friends coming over to "babysit" me. My mom agreed to fly from Minnesota to Phoenix to come unpack my house.
She stayed for about a week. She couldn't believe how much I was still bleeding. She would have to help my from the bathroom to my bed because the abdominal pain was so bad. On top of it, I had major morning sickness every hour of the day. That made the bleeding worse. And the cramping.
She unpacked my entire house. Clothes, dishes, bathrooms, kitchen, everything. She made dinner for dh and I every night while I laid there contemplating that I would be there for more than 6 more months. Sadly this would not happen.
On June 21 I had bad cramping, and major pains. I had a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch. I remember sleeping most of that day. At 2:00 am I woke up to pee. As I laid back down in bed, my whole world shifted. It's the only way I can describe the feeling. I felt everypiece of my body shift to the right. I miscarried that night. I spent the rest of the night/day in the hospital.
My OB/GYN was wonderful. He came to see us and to have me released. He said something that at the time I was almost apalled but now have come to cling to. He said,"At least you know you can get pg" I didn't realize how important those words would be.
It took a really long time to get over that. I will never forget 6/22/06. I can talk about it now, but there are still times I look at the US photos and think about it. I can't get rid of them.
My next "fun" experience came 9 months later. I found out I was pg again. What was amusing about this was that based on how far along I was when I found out BFP, we had gotten pg about the same time as the year before. There were jokes that my only fertile time was over Easter. LOL. Not thinking that anything would be wrong, I went to my OB appt by myself. (dh wanted to but had just started a new job).
Sure enough BFP, send her off to the ultrasound tech (aka the Devil). I was the very last US of the day. The tech brings me in there and this cold hearted bleep, does her thing and says, "I see the sack, but no HB and you should have one. See your doc about scheduling a D&C, you can clean yourself off now." I couldn't believe what she was saying. I asked her to repeat that, and she said the same thing. No baby get a d&c. My doc was already gone for the day.
Not sure how I drove home. DH came home and found me in puddles of my tears on the couch. I went to the doc the next day. He said there would be no d&c unless I wanted one and only after we waited another 2 weeks to verify for sure that there was no HB. 2WW went by and no HB =( He told me my hormone levels were still doubling and that my body hadn't realized I wasn't actually pg. I scheduled the D&C on friday may 25th (memorial day weekend). I told my doc to make sure and test the tissue for dna. I just wouldn't be able to live with myself if...... He came back after and confirmed no dna. Relief.
That was more than 2 years ago. Not even a maybe has come. DH and I had basic ft tests done in early 2009. We both come back fine. I did a round of unmonitored Femara, and stopped. I needed some ME time. Get my sanity back.
And now we are up to the end of 2009. Since I originally started trying, everyone I know has become pg. It's hard. I have given mother nature her shot. She has had 4 years to make this happen. Now we are giving science some chances.
We started ttc right after we got married. We got married 10/22/05. In April of 2006 I got pregnant. (This is the first time I have wrote this story out so bare with me). We got our first BFP on Mother's day. What a perfect day it was! I called my mom and she announced it to my whole family. We were ecstatic.
I had no idea what doctor to use, so I called a friend and she gave me the name of her OB/GYN. I called made an appointment and 4 days later we had our first ultrasound and saw that tiny heart beat. I was unaware of how profound that moment would be. My dh and I were so excited. I got baby books, my mom sent maternity clothes, we started looking at what colors to paint the nursery etc.
Then I started to bleed. We went to the ER and they said that I was still pg and that everything was ok for the moment. I was told I had a subchorionic hemmorage. (TMI coming)When I went home that night I bled quarter sized clots. I was sure I was miscarrying. I cried and called my mom and we cried together. And then I tried to move on. I was supposed to go to Colorado for work the 23-25 of May. I decided to go, what else was I going to do sit at home and cry? I went. While I was there, I ended up getting a fever and almost fainted. I was brought back to my hotel where I promptly threw up. I went to the ER and after telling the Dr about my miscarriage he imformed me, " I can't be sure but I think you may still be pg." I thought to myself, "What kind of crackpot Drs do they hire at this hospital?" I went home the next day.
Once at home friday I had scheduled an US for my thyroid. I wasn't going to go to it, even though OB/GYN had requested it. I decided to go and see if I could find out if I was still pg thanks to crazy doc. (PS- still bleeding this entire time) I made the US tech feel sorry me and she gave me a pelvic US. Low and behold.... a heartbeat. I lost it. I was so relieved. and scared. I was still bleeding. Any second could be the last second.
I went back to my OB/GYN and he was amazed. I was still (TMI again) bleeding silver dollar sized clots on a regular basis. I could go through a heavy duty maxi in 20 minutes. (Should have had stock in Always!) He told me to take it easy and just maintain.
Meanwhile in other areas of life my dh and I were moving into our first house. Packing, moving, lifting, all these things I could no longer do. I was in the ER another time because of abdominal pain. Heartbeat still there and in fact I got to have a colored US and could see the blood flowing to and from. My dr decided to put me on bedrest. (still bleeding) This is now the first week in June. We were moving saturday. House isn't packed, couldn't do anything.
Our friends and family, bless them, moved our entire house. I watched from the couch. I was so afraid to even move off the couch. Mind you I am only 10 weeks along on that friday. I had called my mom and cried that I wouldn't even be able to unpack my house once we got there. I wasn't working, my hubby was gone all day. I was on bedrest. I had friends coming over to "babysit" me. My mom agreed to fly from Minnesota to Phoenix to come unpack my house.
She stayed for about a week. She couldn't believe how much I was still bleeding. She would have to help my from the bathroom to my bed because the abdominal pain was so bad. On top of it, I had major morning sickness every hour of the day. That made the bleeding worse. And the cramping.
She unpacked my entire house. Clothes, dishes, bathrooms, kitchen, everything. She made dinner for dh and I every night while I laid there contemplating that I would be there for more than 6 more months. Sadly this would not happen.
On June 21 I had bad cramping, and major pains. I had a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch. I remember sleeping most of that day. At 2:00 am I woke up to pee. As I laid back down in bed, my whole world shifted. It's the only way I can describe the feeling. I felt everypiece of my body shift to the right. I miscarried that night. I spent the rest of the night/day in the hospital.
My OB/GYN was wonderful. He came to see us and to have me released. He said something that at the time I was almost apalled but now have come to cling to. He said,"At least you know you can get pg" I didn't realize how important those words would be.
It took a really long time to get over that. I will never forget 6/22/06. I can talk about it now, but there are still times I look at the US photos and think about it. I can't get rid of them.
My next "fun" experience came 9 months later. I found out I was pg again. What was amusing about this was that based on how far along I was when I found out BFP, we had gotten pg about the same time as the year before. There were jokes that my only fertile time was over Easter. LOL. Not thinking that anything would be wrong, I went to my OB appt by myself. (dh wanted to but had just started a new job).
Sure enough BFP, send her off to the ultrasound tech (aka the Devil). I was the very last US of the day. The tech brings me in there and this cold hearted bleep, does her thing and says, "I see the sack, but no HB and you should have one. See your doc about scheduling a D&C, you can clean yourself off now." I couldn't believe what she was saying. I asked her to repeat that, and she said the same thing. No baby get a d&c. My doc was already gone for the day.
Not sure how I drove home. DH came home and found me in puddles of my tears on the couch. I went to the doc the next day. He said there would be no d&c unless I wanted one and only after we waited another 2 weeks to verify for sure that there was no HB. 2WW went by and no HB =( He told me my hormone levels were still doubling and that my body hadn't realized I wasn't actually pg. I scheduled the D&C on friday may 25th (memorial day weekend). I told my doc to make sure and test the tissue for dna. I just wouldn't be able to live with myself if...... He came back after and confirmed no dna. Relief.
That was more than 2 years ago. Not even a maybe has come. DH and I had basic ft tests done in early 2009. We both come back fine. I did a round of unmonitored Femara, and stopped. I needed some ME time. Get my sanity back.
And now we are up to the end of 2009. Since I originally started trying, everyone I know has become pg. It's hard. I have given mother nature her shot. She has had 4 years to make this happen. Now we are giving science some chances.
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